I’ve had neck and back pain for nearly as long as I can remember.
It might be from The Great Log Ride Incident when I was 12. I decided to hide in the front of the log, so I would stay dry. It would have worked great, except that the rest of the log riders slid forward and crunched my spine.
My ‘fro didn’t get wet though.
Or maybe the chronic pain originates from my senior year of high school. Two weeks before prom, my date dumped me. It was a rainy day and I was crying, driving home from school when I ran a stop sign, hit another car and ended up with whiplash.
I made sure my ex-date got a good long look at me in my sexy CHRISTIAN prom dress (and the friend from my church youth group who I passed off as my new beau).
Through the years, I’ve tried a lot of different things to manage the pain. It’s worked.
Until a few weeks ago. I couldn’t lift my arms and legs one night. What started out as an achy feeling, turned into a scary episode of numbness and blinding pain.
On Monday, I visited a doctor who specializes in neck and back pain.
He ordered a slew of x-rays and an MRI to see if something was bulging, herniated or pinched.
I made the appointment for the first available.
My appointment was at 2:00 PM today.
I was excited.
I was excited because I’d obviously never had an MRI.
While my Mom watched my kids, I spent entirely too long trying to figure out how to wear the huge backless hospital gown the technician handed me.
I was having a good time, until he suggested I go to the bathroom first, “Since you are going to be in the tube for an hour.”
Excuse me. Did he just say ONE HOUR? He explained I was actually getting three MRI’s of my neck and back.
Even then, I pushed down the fear. And when he handed me ear plugs and started explaining that I couldn’t swallow or take deep breaths or MOVE during the loud test, I shoved the negative thoughts away.
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
“What if I can’t do this?” I croaked.
I answered myself, taking a deep breath “Let me try.”
I squeezed my eyes shut as the tube closed in over me and around me. I tried to lay very still and not swallow and not take deep breaths. I tried not to listen to the THUMP THUMP of the machine. I tried.
After an eternity passed, I heard the technician through the intercom, “Okay, that was the first 6 minutes. Swallow quickly, let’s go again.”
You’ve. got. to. be. kidding. me.
I tried to find my happy place again, but I think I lost it the second I realized I had 54 minutes to go in the noisy coffin as the technician barked orders, “Don’t move, Don’t swallow, You’re breathing too deeply.”
I tried to pray, to hum, to convince myself that I was safe and that I wasn’t trapped.
The humming began again and just when I thought I could make myself endure it, he said, “I’m going to have to do that last one over again. You moved.”
Add 3 more minutes.
And that’s when I opened my eyes. White plastic surrounded me, inches above me and around me and I felt like I was in my Grandma’s closet again. My cousins had pushed me in, locked the door and told the rest of the family, I was outside playing.
I was stuck in the back of the house, in the back of the closet for close to an hour. Maybe 54 minutes.
I squeezed the black button in my hand, signaling my defeat.
I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.
The technician helped me out. I apologized. He was understanding. I asked for drugs. He wasn’t that understanding. He sent me down for regular x-rays.
At the least, my doctor will prescribe a sedative for the next time I try. I’m hoping for an alternative.
I’ve always avoided tight, small places due to claustrophobia. But I had no idea an MRI would be so hard.
I can’t believe I panicked.
And even as I type this, I am scared to go back.
Turns out the pain isn’t just in my neck, I guess.
What are you afraid of?
I keep quoting “He has not given us a spirit of Fear, but a sound mind!”
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. I think it is an essential book for every woman and I think it is a MUST READ for every woman. Check it out from the library, borrow it, buy it for $10. It completely changed the way I understand men, specifically my hubby. I learned how men think, what they retain, what they need, why they need it….and this information is based on hundreds of men, like our husbands. So, if you use sex in any other way in your marriage then the way God created it, it’s wrong and utterly damaging. Or if you don’t make yourself available to your husbands, you are making his life very challenging and you may even weaken his resolve for purity. And of course, your hubby needs to read this version 
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